Today I'm introducing one of the new features for "Women With Cancer" -- Quick Takes -- a question and answer column that I'll run twice a month. I learn so much and am constantly inspired by hearing other women's stories and know you will be, too. Let me know what you think!
Since we met through words let’s start there. What do you think of blogging? I like blogging. For me it’s an extension of journaling, which I do a fair amount of. Blogging was a way for me to tell my story. It’s great that we can all share our stories with like minded souls.
Last fall, when your treatment ended, you wrote that your body was “getting ready for a break, but my mind was just getting started.” Can you tell us some more about what you were going through? When treatment ended it was great for my body. If I’d been asked to do any more physically my body might have broken down. During treatment, my mind was in a state of 'rest'. I could only focus on one day at a time. As soon as treatment ended I started chewing mentally on the reality of cancer and everything I went through. I started to accept that this was really happening to me and that it was scary as hell. For the most part my mind went straight to the negatives. Without the constant treadmill of treatment there was time on my hands, and time to consider what might happen next. And it was very hard for me to not travel down the 'recurrence' path. Then when it DID happen I was right back in shock and despair again. I have to say that going through it twice may have led me finally to a different place completely.
Please tell us what happened. How soon after did you find out your cancer recurred and how? Recovering from treatment after my cancer had metastasized brought me to a different place. I still had the struggles similar to the first recovery – the exhaustion, depression, anxiety, and side effects of medication. But after my first treatment I was terrified that the cancer would come back. So when it did my worst nightmare had happened. But when you then live through your worst nightmare and manage to come out stronger you feel like you have come to a new place. You’re not as scared anymore.
My recurrence happened about nine months after I finished treatment the first time. This treatment included a left breast mastectomy, four months of chemo, seven weeks of radiation and a year of Herceptin. I was having some pain in my left shoulder blade, which is the side I had my breast cancer on. The pain was a deep sort of pain and unusual for me. It came and went. I was running and lifting weights and doing yoga so I thought (was hoping) I had hurt myself. But when I met with my surgeon in January, two years post mastectomy, she suggested a bone scan. The bone scan showed something tiny in one vertebra so she suggested a PET Scan. This scan along with a blood test confirmed one small cancerous spot on the left side of my first thoracic vertebra.
You and Nick work together, live together and are raising a wonderful daughter. What’s your secret? Wow, that's a good question! We have our ups and downs just like any couple. But we do work well together. We complement each other. I am pretty laid back and Nick is pretty driven, but luckily we don't drive each other crazy with these opposite ways….most of the time (laughing). We take turns a lot and we talk about EVERYTHING. If you're not defensive and can really listen to each other you can usually find a way to work through issues that arise. Going through cancer made us closer, made us appreciate each other more and see sides of each other we hadn't focused on before. It has also made us grow as individuals and learn new things about ourselves, which in turn has made us a stronger couple.
You work with images all day long. Have you done any projects that resonate with you about breast cancer? Did you photograph your story? All of our work is commercial/corporate photography, so I never have really worked on anything related to breast cancer. The interesting thing was to work during treatment. I went to a few portfolio showings bald but wearing a hat. In retrospect it wasn't probably the best business move. Some people asked me what was up, others said nothing and I never knew if I should broach the subject. I did not photograph my story but I wish I had. I have a few pictures of me bald and if I can manage to scan them I will send a couple. I find them fascinating to look at. In one picture I am standing with my arm around my Mom in our kitchen and we are both smiling. When I showed that picture to my therapist a while back she asked me what I think when I look at that picture and I said I wonder why I am smiling! I think it would have been too painful for Nick to truly photograph me as we struggled through it all, some days were so difficult.
You’re a daughter. Wife. Mother. Businesswoman. Runner. Blogger. Friend. And now you’re a metastatic breast cancer survivor. How weird is that? So very weird! Even though it has been three years and two diagnoses I sometimes STILL can't believe it has happened to me. Sometimes I have a hard time reconciling that! Every morning after my shower I rub lotion on the flat, scared, tanned left side of my chest where my breast used to be. It is an obvious, physical reminder of what I have been through. And of course I “know” I have been through it but sometimes I still haven't accepted it. And maybe in some ways it is good. I focus on all the other aspects of my life -- work, family, running, writing, social networking -- there’s no room for cancer. Or cancer is a small part among the many other parts of my life.
That’s understandable. Three years isn’t that long over the course of a life. You’ve written about therapy. From my vantage point it has helped you pass through some enormous hurdles fairly quickly. And the clue is: pass through, not over. Is that a fair statement? I don’t at all want to diminish your courage, which I find inspiring. I highly recommend therapy to anyone going through a traumatic experience. I wish I had started sooner. I waited until I was pretty deep in depression after my first round of treatment before I finally went. I was lucky to find a great therapist and she has really helped me to go through the tough times. She gives me "homework' which often involves journaling, meditating, saying mantras or affirmations, and exercising. She is a runner too so it is cool to share that interest with her. It has been so helpful to have that objective person who is trained to help, but she is not so objective that she can't shed a little tear when I told her the cancer was back and then again when I told her I ran 6 miles for the first time and was training to run a half-marathon. The plain truth is I would not be where I am emotionally right now if I wasn't going to therapy with this woman.
We all agree: mastectomy bras are worse than Buster Brown cotton underpants. Please explain to our friends who have had a mastectomy how you got your “vavoom” back with your Victoria’s Secret Bras? Oh yeah, the "Granny Bra.” I really just couldn't stand them. They're too large, too boring and too uncomfortable. And it’s impossible to wear anything even remotely low-cut because the bra would show. I was used to wearing a low-profile, simple cotton underwire bra from Victoria's Secret. They were comfy and colorful and had matching undies. So my sister-in-law, who is also a breast cancer survivor, told me about some sew-in pockets that she bought and then sewed into her regular bras. I bought some and my Mom sewed them into all my favorite Victoria Secret bras. So now I can wear the comfy, colorful bras I have always worn! I can wear a low cut shirt and feel a little sexy, something that is sometimes hard to accomplish when you are missing a breast.
Sometimes, but not always. Let’s see: what was the last romantic thing Nick has done for you? A couple days ago he was taking Benny for a walk and he called me to tell me to look out the window. It was an amazing sunset and he wanted to share it with me. He knew I would want to see it. And to me that is romantic!
Is there anything I haven’t asked you that you’d talk about? Each person’s cancer journey is unique. But we can find commonalities in our stories. And ultimately these commonalities can be a source of comfort in a time of despair and fear. I remember feeling so isolated and lost after my diagnosis and treatment. It seems a long time ago, but I was an outsider in my own skin. I used to think it came from outside me, from other people, but now I think at least half of it came from inside me. But with counseling, the love and support of my family and friends, and some new friends in the cancer community (both survivors and advocates) I have been able to feel more at home in my skin than ever before. It is all about re-adjustment.
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