Your Cancer, Your Kids. What's a Mom to Say?

One of the first things that come to mind for many women when they're diagnosed with cancer is: how am I going to tell my children?

Martha Aschenbrenner, KNIT (Kids Need Information Too) program manager at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, has a quick formula to help you get a conversation started in your family.  She calls it the Three C's:

• It's called Cancer.
• It's not Catching.
• It's not Caused by anything you did, or did not do.

Ms. Aschenbrenner is familiar with the topic as an educator, as a mother, and as a mother who was diagnosed with cancer when her own child was just four.  "Parents are at a loss when dealing with traumatic illness," she says, "because it completely upsets our normal role as a protector.  But silence is not honesty.  It is a lie of omission."

She has a number of great points -- which I'll list below -- as does CancerCare in this one-page handout.  Helping Children Understand Cancer.  Both underscore what you already know: be as honest as you can. You are already a terrific Mom.  Cancer won't change that.

• Don't be surprised if they ask if you're going to die.  That's normal.  Reassure them that you hope not, and you are being take care of by wonderful doctors so you will live a long time.
• Children react differently depending on their age.  
• Explain what will happen.  Concrete information helps them know that they don't have to keep  you "under surveillance." This is especially true for kids twelve and over. 
• Explain what will be different in their lives and daily routine.
• Before a child comes to the hospital to visit, or your appearance begins to change, explain in advance what they will see, and as important, what they CAN (as opposed to can not) do. It will help me a lot if you can.....bring a blanket, show me your new drawings, etc.

Two books you may find helpful:

• How to Help Children Through a Parent's Serious Illness, by Kathleen McCue.  St. Martin's Griffin Publishing.  An excellent handbook for parents who want information about helping their children deal with the parents's illness.  
• When A Parent Has Cancer: A guide to Caring for Your Children, by Wendy Harpham, M.D., Harper Collins Publishers. 

In Texas, and for additional helpful information: Wonders & Worries, a nonprofit that helps children cope when a parent or caregiver has a chronic or life-threatening illness.

What did you find helpful in talking about your cancer with your children?